Kirk and only Kirk is responsible for cleaning up the town square. This is what he gets for breaking just about every town square ordinance in existence when planning this wedding.
Lorelai will be holding a dress rehearsal this afternoon for the secret wedding flash mob. I certainly hope everyone has rehearsed. This town cannot afford a hastily put together and off-beat flash mob. It would be incredibly embarrassing. If Hank from Woodbury can pull one of these off, I can too.
LUKE AND LORELAI ARE GETTING MARRIED.
I’m calling for an emergency town meeting to discuss this matter. Do not be late.
And no food, Lorelai, I don’t care if this is about you.
There have been some seriously strange occurrences in town this afternoon, people. Petal is running wild with a sign forewarning a ruckus. There are fake birds in the trees and I don’t recall receiving ANY fake bird permit applications this week! Also, did anyone else see some drunk fellows walking around in gorilla masks?
Stay indoors tonight, folks. Something is seriously afoot.
A success, people! A true success! Early reviews below:
This show is fantastic! – Sophie
Simba, you’ve been dethroned. Bow to the new King. – Babette
It moves. It breathes. The book was terrific, too. – Andrew
Add an orchestra and you can take it straight to Braodway. – Gypsy
School of Rock? Bunch of schlock! This show gets an ‘A’! – Babette
I know nothing about musicals, but this was a fun musical! – Tom
Tevye, move over. There’s a new Jew in town! – Babette
Hasa diga eebowai, you Mormon nerds. Audiences are ringing a new doorbell. – Babette
For a first run through it was, [redacted] – Lorelai
Seen a preview of the show? Submit your review here!
A reminder to all who are participating that we take our pledges seriously. Please review:
I, Stars Hollow theater lover, hereby swear that I will not divulge any portion of this show in any way. Out of respect for the hard working creators of this musical, So help me God or Allah or Buddha or Whoever it is you pray to.
Where is the seasonal poem, Rory Gilmore? The town is very upset! Editor’s choice, I suppose, but this cannot stand!
Has anyone heard shoutings of ‘5-0’ at night in the town square. I hear it in the town square on my nightly walks. Very mysterious.
Rory Gilmore has volunteered to become the new editor of the Stars Hollow Gazette. Our paper will live on! With a degree in journalism from Yale University, we’re sure that Rory will do us proud. She has ensured me that although the paper will take away from her time in the thirtysomething gang, she is fully committed to keeping our town informed. She starts immediately. Welcome to the fold, Rory.
I am on cloud nine, people! We’ve done it. We’ve found our leading lady. I couldn’t believe her resume. Credits for days.
She sings. She dances. She whittles. She’s got gams! She’s the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen. And most importantly…
SHE WAS KINKY BOOTS!
People, we have some very disappointing news to report. After 89 years of continual operation, the Stars Hollow Gazette is closing. Although it was operating in the black, Editor Bernie Roundbottom is retiring and there’s no one to take his place. Marlin fishing in Boca Raton was more meaningful to that ingrate. Alas, we had a good run. We’ll dearly miss the seasonal poem.
We’ve got some VERY exciting news, people. First, a little backstory.
Our summer tourism numbers are down. Even the pool revenues are off, which I directly attribute to the recent criminal activity involving the floaty hut. Now, the Lazy Hazy Crazy Days event is coming up but we thought a surprise event would generate fresh enthusiasm for summer tourists. I present to you…
Stars Hollow: The Musical!
Our production will be an enchanting musical history of Stars Hollow. Books and lyrics by me, Taylor Doose. And music by a very talented young composer, Nat Compton. He once lived in Brooklyn! He’ll be directing as well. Now we’re on the hunt for our leading lady. She’s got to be a great singer, a terrific actress, a nimble dancer, and a dextrous whittler.
Here’s what we need from you all: Volunteers for the musical’s Advisory Committee. You’ll come to a couple of previews and give us any ideas to make it all that it can be. We look forward to your honest feedback!
Folks, I’m sorry to report that the Municipal Pool Floaty Hut is down for the summer season. Some cretins have vandalized the structure and it is beyond immediate repair. Hinges bent. Locks jammed. Kids are just having a fit. Apologies to the anonymous donor who generously paid for the hut.
Rory’s back! We’re excited to see a new addition to the Thirtysomething Gang. When you’ve joined the world after college and the world spits you back out like a piece of gum, the Thirtysomething Gang is the perfect place to go! Bowling next week!
Folks, the time has come for the Stars Hollow Bid-on-a-Basket Fundraiser! Sure to raise big money and cause plenty of romantic drama, this event is something you cannot miss. But we have one small problem, people.
We seem to be short on participants this year so we’re going to the world wide web for basket submissions! Fill out the form here. Give your basket a name, leave us your Twitter handle, and let us know what the contents of your basket will be! If chosen, we’ll put your basket to the test with a town vote to see if your basket is bid-worthy!
We’re losing the war to Woodbury, people. If you haven’t heard already, there’s a big Hollywood movie being filmed in our neighboring town. I lobbied to have the movie shot here, but Woodbury won out. All the big name stars are staying there! And my little birds are telling me that we got the leftovers. The B-level actors. They’re all staying at the Dragonfly!
We can’t have Stars Hollow become the go-to spot for the B-level. Names like Xander Sackovich, Dexter Schmid, Lydia Papadokolis, Tara Grabowski. Who the hell are these people?
People, our tax base is receding. Alarmingly. We need money for gazebo upkeep, street sweeping, twinkle lights. All this is required if we want to remain a world class tourist destination. We cannot afford to lower our standards! Do you really think these washouts are going around town spending money? Adding to the tax base? I’m not seeing that.
A-listers are throwing money around Woodbury like there’s no tomorrow. Matthew McConaughey is buying three newspapers a day. Three! And Jessica Chastain bought a full bag of assorted toiletries and two sundresses.
Money. In. The. Bank.
Where will our money come from? A bar? Over my dead body.
I have some bad news, people. Two months ago, I announced that we’ll be holding the first annual Stars Hollow Pride Parade. 2016 was the perfect year to hold it as it coincided with the 70th birthday of one Liza Minelli. After exhaustive research and an informal census we’ve found that there are simply not enough gays in Stars Hollow! We’ve asked for volunteers but very few have come forward. Donald will be marching with his chow chow. Adele and Lois signed up. But that’s it!
Now, I’ve contacted neighboring towns and so far nothing. Thanks a lot, Hank from Woodbury.
I’m afraid we’re stuck, people. Stuck. We’ll have to table the parade for now.
Let’s go ahead and call the International Spring Food Festival what it is: An utter disaster. We advertised a 195 country culinary showcase! And what did we get? A paltry 15 participants.
Guam? Last minute parent-teacher conference.
Kazakhstan? Car trouble. EVEN THOUGH I told them to get a ride with Poland. But no one listens to me.
Bangladesh is whining over an earache.
Turks and Caicos got foot fungus.
Singapore? Just being a dick.
127 countries never even got back to Kirk!
Well guess what people? We’re not giving up. Everyone please prepare for new assignments today as I go from booth to booth. It’s time for some globalization, Stars Hollow.
Luke Danes has finally offered his testimonial for our cause. We’re one step closer to greatness, people.
We’ll present our testimonials to the county assessor soon. If you need a ride to the reenactment, please call Kirk’s mother and request an Ooober.
LUKE DANES HAS BEEN GIVING OUT FAKE PASSWORDS EVER SINCE HE GOT WI-FI IN THIS DAMN PLACE. HOW DO YOU PEOPLE KEEP FALLING FOR THIS?
Look, he doesn’t want to give out his password because he doesn’t want you here checking your Facebook or answering your emails or YouTubing Zoella or whatever it is you’re doing. Luke’s isn’t your office. IT’S A DINER.
Go home! Pay for Wi-Fi! I do!
Ugh. That is all.
Luke Danes will not share his septic tank testimonial that is sure to save this town from the brink of disaster. I have called. I have left messages. I even slipped notes under his door at night. I know for a fact that Luke’s Diner has had septic tank issues. How can a man who changes his menus willy-nilly refuse the greatest change of all?!
People of Stars Hollow –
I love this town. You love this town. Stars Hollow is destined for greatness! All the pieces are there to put it over the top. But there is one thing we are sorely lacking: A sewer system!
See, when you have a sewer system you’re part of something bigger than yourself. Like the universe. Only more hygienic. Septic systems are truly beneath us. Stars Hollow NEEDS to go full on sewer to truly become the perfect town.
So, what can we do? I’ve been going around town door-to-door to collect septic tank testimonials. We all have them. And some of you have provided disastrous stories that we intend to reenact for the county assessor in the coming weeks. For an example of helpful testimony, please refer to Mimsy Frupp’s description of her granddaughter’s disastrous day jumping into fall leaves. We can’t have children go in thinking they’re diving into autumnal paradise and coming out changed forever. Mimsy’s story is now on display at Doose’s market.
If you’d like to join the cause, please find me to share your testimonial or submit it here. I hope that you will all take a part in making Stars Hollow the best town on earth.
There’s a new festival in town, people! The Festival of Four Seasons!
Held November 19-20 at UCLA’s Dickson Court, this festival truly has it all people. Twinkle lights, bunting, a GIANT banner. Held in the town square with all of our classic Stars Hollow features. The Gazebo and town sign will be freshly painted. Luke is even serving FREE coffee. You heard it right, Luke Danes is serving free coffee.
And, of course, Taylor’s Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe will be keeping the citizens active with free treats! Oh, and Kirk has also asked us to promote his new business: the Button Emporium. Come get a button from Kirk if you’d like. There’s so much more, people.
So head here to RSVP (it’s required to attend,people!) and take a look the finer details of Stars Hollow’s greatest event.
Hockey, sleeping, and plenty of other things Kirk doesn’t know much about. Enjoy the next volume of Dear Kirk:
Below are the minutes to recap this week’s town meeting. We’ll see you all next Wednesday. Please leave the food at home. We don’t want it here!
@rayleemagill was worried about lack of vegan representation in Miss Patty’s Thanksgiving musical. We discussed adding a Tofurkey number to the show. While many believed that side dishes offered plenty of representation, others thought that resident Tofurkey expert, Mrs. Kim, could coordinate a family friendly and very vegan addition to the musical.
@allycat1188 reported multiple falling acorn injuries from town trees. While acorns are clearly integral to the town “feel”, we must ask ourselves how many is too many acorns. Safety is obviously a huge concern. Some solutions brought up by the townspeople included acorn nets, gluing the acorns to the trees, or getting Kirk to simply monitor each and every acorn and its individual risk to the town.
Big issue raised by @EmmaMcGann. Luke Danes’s refusal to serve pumpkin spiced coffee seems ridiculous. But many town citizens made the point that his participation in fall joy would encroach on Weston’s territory. Who better to give the people what they want than Weston’s? Certainly not Luke Danes.
Finally, @jeduffy declared that November 25 is some kind of local holiday and all businesses should close on this day. Many townspeople agreed while others were worried about takeout options. The people must be fed! Also, what could this local holiday possibly be about? We may call it the Stars Hollow November 25th Day since there aren’t any other names that seem like a good fit.
For all matters in business and romance, Kirk is not the man you should be talking to. But you are anyway. So here’s the next edition of Dear Kirk:
And we’re back for another round of Dear Kirk advice. What are you people are hoping to learn from this man?
This is the official unveiling of our brand new Official Stars Hollow Countdown Clock. What is this clock counting down to? We’re not sure! But we’ve seen such things around the world wide web and thought our site was equally deserving of some real state-of-the-art features.
Please enjoy our brand new clock on the home page and join us when it hits zero to see what might happen. We have literally no clue how this works!
We announced the beginning of digital town meetings and reminded townspeople of the rules: Keep it civil. No food.
@mobeenakhan threw fries at the podium, in which I sternly reminded her that there would be no fries and no fry throwing in this meeting.
@paulachuchro presented the first item: Mrs. Kim is overwatering her garden and causing serious street leakage. The town almost unanimously proclaimed that messing with Mrs. Kim is an incredibly bad idea. @shansen614 called leakage “dirty” but I put an immediate stop to that kind of talk.
@corellianjedi2 claimed that Stars Hollow had a thief ornament on our hands. We all lamented at the many troubles of Pierpoint and launched an immediate town-wide investigation to nip this crime rise in the bud. We appointed Kirk as watchman.
@notmadeleine proposed that next year’s Dance Marathon be 80s themed. A bold suggestion, indeed. A particularly rowdy townsperson, @stepherrr425, referenced the film Footloose in support of the proposition. I was quick to remind her that cutting loose in this town entrenched on our moral reputation. We moved on quickly to the next item on the agenda, disregarding all defenses of this very flawed concept.
@justinscarelli was concerned about excessive millennial cellphone use and its effect on our small town feel. @StarfishQueen44 dared to suggest that I try Snapchat and “faceswap” with Kirk. Which just doesn’t sound healthy at all. But when @jacki_harrell suggested that social media activities could help boost tourism and irritate Luke, I was encouraged to at at least consider letting these teenagers be.
We ended the meeting with a request to show A Film By Kirk once again in the town square. Which was immediately rejected because we just can’t put ourselves or our children through that again.
We’ll meet again next Wednesday.
Honestly, what are you people thinking? How on earth could someone trust Kirk to give advice? Anyway, we wouldn’t let him write directly on this site since he cannot be trusted but we’ve provided his first volume of Dear Kirk responses below. And sadly there are more to come.
Excellent news, people! TownofStarsHollow.org lives to see another day. Please excuse any outdated sections of our site as we (Kirk) misplaced the password in 2007. He just found it. We expect to be fully updated by November 25th, 2016. Some of you may be new here, so please enjoy what our otherwise state of the art website has to offer:
- This is our Town Updates section. As we rebuild, we’ll keep you posted on town news and site updates here. All posts are written by this site’s curator, me! (Taylor Doose, town grocer and selectman). We were able to recover some of our old posts from the past, so please use it as a semi-reliable record of past events.
- Our Town Directory will introduce you to our many Stars Hollow establishments. To be added to the Town Directory, please apply for a Town Directory permit. Pop-up Farmer’s Markets and multiple troubadours are strictly ineligible.
- Visit our Local Artists gallery to take in the varied talents of our townspeople. Stars Hollow supports the Arts!
- Town Meetings have officially gone digital! Please submit your concerns or requests for the next town meeting through our very digital form. I am a busy man and cannot service every town request. But think of this as an open forum where you might be heard.
- Various advertisements promoting town businesses can be found on this site. As repayment for many of his town services, we’ve allowed Kirk to advertise his advice column, Dear Kirk, permanently. Please do not take his advice seriously.
Attention town citizens! Luke, and Luke alone, is solely responsible for all party cleanup. Do not help him.
I’d like to welcome you all to this Bon Voyage party in honor of one of Stars Hollow’s favorite daughters, Ms. Rory Gilmore! I’ve known Rory, as have most of you. And here we are, on this glorious spring day, pregnant with pride and anticipation, preparing to birth you from our collective womb, fully gestated and nourished. And so we breathe deep, and, with these last, painful contractions, we push you out into the world, spank your bottom, and wipe the amniotic fluid from your eyes as you issue your first independent breath.
For advice on noteworthy speechwriting and speechmaking, please see Town Selectman Taylor Doose.
Before our unofficial gathering tomorrow, I would like to share the unofficial notes from our unofficial town meeting held tonight.
Our meeting was unofficial. It was over with as soon as possible. Permits for this unofficial gathering were not issued and I refuse to be held responsible. I approve of none of this activity. This unofficial meeting violated town ordinances left and right and was highly irregular. As your town selectman, I promise this will not happen again.
And for the last time: The upcoming event that was discussed will remain an unofficial party. Unofficial!
Attention townspeople, I am disappointed to announce that none of us are going to be able to attend Rory’s Graduation ceremony at Yale this weekend. Lorelai clearly dropped the ball on this one.
I mean, were there no orphans, no children of divorce? Does every single student at Yale has at least four people coming to see him or her graduate? I think not.
But we will get through this. We’ll attend Rory’s Graduation party as a disappointing consolation. We’re looking into booking the Stars Hollow High School band to perform. But that may be a problem as Lorelai’s home is absolutely not zoned for gatherings larger than 15 people. We’ll have to do it in the town square.
Now, I am aware that a small but vocal minority of you have expressed concern about the progress of this year’s Spring Fling Festival. I would like to take this time to assure you that everything is going as planned.
Yes, the budget for the lemonade booth has been reallocated to the hay bale maze. Yes, the salty nuts booth budget has been reallocated to the hay bale maze. Yes, I put the entire budget into the hay bale maze.
I’m telling you, people, this is going to be one of the most astounding town attractions we have ever built. Just think of the mythical significance. The Labyrinth! I’ll be happy to demonstrate the cultural importance that the hay bale maze represents at tonight’s town meeting.
Oh, and if you get lost in the maze, don’t panic, just stand still, wave your hands, and the maze guard will find you. No gum, no matches, no pushing, no shoving.
As those of you who take an interest in civic events may recall, three days ago a train derailed just east of town. Luckily, no one was injured. However, 3 1/2 tons of pickles and pickle brine were scattered along the tracks. And due to some inevitable delays in cleanup, those pickles have been baking in the sun for three days.
Now, this wasn’t a problem until this morning when the wind shifted. And instead of wafting easterly toward our neighbors in Woodbridge, the smell seems to have settled on Stars Hollow. There’s no telling how long it will last. But picking up the pickles is not my main concern at the moment. This is a matter of pride, people. A huge principle is at stake. There’s absolutely no reason why we here in Stars Hollow should take responsibility for this mess. The pickles themselves hail from Ohio.
We’ll hold a town meeting tonight to decide what to do about this briny mess. I hope you’ll stand with me on not assuming the fiscal responsibility that comes with cleaning up this fiasco. Stand up for Stars Hollow!
Apparently, people are viewing our traffic light here as more a series of colorful driving suggestions rather than the rules of the road. Therefore, I decided to install a red-light camera to discourage drivers who would test our laws and photograph and punish those who do.
From now on, if you run a red light in Stars Hollow, it’s time for your close-up, Mr. Demille. These little wonders are taking over the globe — New York, Los Angeles, Paris, Singapore.
And I am well within my rights as town selectman to install a camera that will make our streets much safer.
Please join us this afternoon to view a demonstration of our brand new Auto Patrol P.R. 100. Our ceremonial first lawbreaker will be played by Kirk, who will drive my classic 1964 Ford Thunderbird down the street, through the red light where we’ll capture him in all his law-breaking glory.
There is a significant amount of chicanery taking place in Stars Hollow, people. Our usual town troubadour was supposedly discovered last week on these very streets and is now on tour with someone they call Neil Young.
Now, I would just like to say that there is no bigger fan of music than me. No memory is more precious to me than the one of my father taking me to the Hartford Civic Auditorium to see the great Pat Boone. But these troubadours do not have the talent of Pat Boone. And if they insist on loitering and playing their hippie doo-wop music to the obvious detriment of the mercantile interests of this town, we’ll have to utilize the force of our authorities. With water hoses and canine units if necessary!
These miscreants are officially “persona non grata” in this town.
After a particularly rude conversation with Lorelai Gilmore in Doose’s Market today, I have taken it upon myself to remind you all about our Town Denigration laws.
Code 14-B-14///X-8 states that a citizen of Stars Hollow cannot denigrate Stars Hollow while standing on Stars Hollow soil. It was established in 1792. The original penalty was death by 40 muskets. Now, we’re not threatening violence, but the town code should be respected, people. Have some decency.
Attention citizens! We discussed this at our town meeting via the Internet, but I am repeating my message here to be very very clear.
The Annual Stars Hollow Winter Carnival is this weekend. I’m at my sister’s in Maine. We have never not had a Stars Hollow Winter Carnival. It’s a 125 year tradition.
Bottom line: I run the winter carnival, it’s this weekend, and I am snowed in, unable to get back into town.
We need to discuss the finer details since Kirk will be in charge of proceedings. We’ll obviously have the carnival staples: French dip sandwiches, corn on the cob, apple cider, etc. Now, we almost ran out of hot chocolate last year, so I would recommend upping the supply by 11%. I’ll be in direct contact with all of you in the coming days to check in.
I expect the best from every single one of you. I won’t be around forever to do the important work in this town. This is your moment, people.
Ladies and gentlemen, our tourism revenue is off 26% from the previous fiscal year. In that same time, Woodbury and Cogsville’s revenue has jumped. That’s because they are highlighting their heritage, thus increasing their charm. The more charm a town has, the greater its tourism revenue. Which is why I’m proposing changing our street names back to what they were at Stars Hollow’s founding.
Now this will cost money, but it is an investment in our future. Amazing historic names like Constabulary Road and Sores and Boils Alley are sure to be great additions to our small town charm. Look our for our brand new map coming soon!
Town painting takes place this week!
As we stay in Stars Hollow: Pardon our spiff, it’ll just take a jiff!
Attention citizens! Our little town will soon be the the site of an international sports event: The Fifth Annual Connecticut Bike Race. You have no idea how much wrangling it took to get them here. Now it’s time to prepare. I have just put no parking signs all up and down the street here, in hopes of clearing a safe and unobstructed path through Stars Hollow. Please accommodate our riders as business will be booming. We have the coveted first stop, last stop spot of the race so racers will enter and return to our town. Intoxicating!
Also, folks, there is a big hole in the town square. Please be careful.
We had an emergency meeting of the town elders yesterday and as town selectman it is my duty to tell you the details without revealing the private specifics of the matter.
The town elders met with [redacted] and [redacted] in the [redacted] room yesterday evening. They discussed the sale of the [redacted] House and whether it should be purchased by [redacted] or [redacted].
After heated debate, the elders decided that [redacted] should be able to purchase the [redacted] House because he’ll care for it more and fill it with love.
This is the end of the Town Elders Emergency Meeting minutes.
As you all know, Old Man Twickham left his house to the Historical Society along with his ample collection of valuable memorabilia. His will stipulates that the house is to be converted into a museum. Well good news, folks. We’re now open! We will display his personal historical artifacts for a period of two months. After two months, the house is to be disposed of at the discretion of the head of the Historical Society, he meaning me.
At the museum you’ll find amazing historical artifacts like an historical cannonball that Old Man Twickham lent to his sister or a possible circa nineteenth century portrait of what we think may have been the founder of a school that possibly educated Ben Franklin’s cousin.
Then you’ll step inside the multimedia diorama where you’ll start at the dawn of time (where there’s no proof that the first tools weren’t invented right here in Stars Hollow.) We’ll then zoom forward to our founding, through wartime, and into the veritable dark age of the 60s that culminated in a sit-in that gathered over a thousand freaks from the Tri-county area.
Admittance is $3 and comes with a complimentary cup of Miss Patty’s Founders Punch. (Be careful with that stuff.)
Alright folks, our worst fears are coming true. Luke and Lorelai have broken up. To prevent loud disruptions in Stars Hollow through this divisive time, please stop by Doose’s Market to pick up a pink or blue ribbon. Pink for Lorelai, blue for Luke. That way we all know whose side we’re on without having to make a fuss. Silent confirmation is the only way we’ll make it through this without violence or conflict.
Ladies of Stars Hollow: How would you like to play our woman of easy virtue?
A local historian uncovered new evidence of Stars Hollow’s participation in the Revolution. Apparently, an English battalion was awaiting the return of their commanding general with plans for a big battle. Our soldiers caught wind of this and blocked the high road so that the general had to travel by the lower road, through town, to reach his troops. They had a brave lady of the town use her wiles to draw the general to her rooms and keep him occupied. That delayed the general’s arrival which allowed Lafayette the opportunity to ambush the waiting British troops.
This new discovery means we’ll be adding a new chapter to our annual reenactment. It will undoubtedly be a huge boost to tourism. The local press is all excited to cover it.
This is not just an historic reenactment. This is an historic moment unto itself. This will be the first time that a member of our fairer sex has participated in Stars Hollow’s Revolutionary War Reenactment. And you should know that it is of a sensitive nature, so if you’re overly sensitive you may want to back out now.
Auditions will take place tomorrow afternoon.
I may have lost the town selectman race tonight, but I do not expect this madness to last. Until I am rightfully restored, I will continue to take care of our town here. My concession speech transcript is below:
Friends and townspeople, today in Stars Hollow, democracy has spoken. The will of the people has prevailed, and new leadership has been instated. Your vote has counted. Free elections are a wonderful thing, a thing to be admired and cherished. Here in America, we have something else that is to be admired and cherished. It’s called a recall election. I look forward to this other aspect of democracy, which I believe will happen any day now, when sanity and reason have been restored to Stars Hollow. So, in closing, friends, believe me when I tell you, you will have Taylor Doose to kick around again. Thank you, and God bless.
After attending the opening of the historic Dragonfly Inn, I have recorded my thoughts on their services on behalf of the town. I feel it’s important to highlight the negative experiences. They’re the most important after all. It’s the little things, the details, that distinguish the Barbra Streisands from the Roslyn Kinds. I’ve left copies of my many comment cards (I brought my own but the Dragonfly claims to provide them) at Doose’s Market for the town to peruse. Most important of them all: Do not wear white pants when arriving and certainly do not take part in their so-called “complimentary shoeshine”. It’s a farce.
Folks, I know that Easter is well past us, but Stars Hollow is holding a mandatory egg hunt in order to recover the 59 rotting Easter eggs hidden throughout the square. We’ve got to find them. There is a distinct odor outside our establishment. It will only get worse.
I know what you’re thinking: “What about the map, the careful, detailed map of where the eggs are hidden made each year to avoid catastrophes such as this?”
Well, a map was not made this year, good townsfolk. One was not made. Now, this work is going to be exhausting and, yes, disgusting, but as my way of thanking you, help yourself to lunch at Doose’s market, where everything in our prepared-foods section will be discounted 5%, 20% for our day-old sushi. Now, with the flower show due in three days, we have a clock on this, people, but when I think of this fine group of volunteers, my heart races with pride. I see America, and I am proud.
Attention citizens of Stars Hollow: The church bells have been broken again. We’re not sure of the culprit, but to be honest, they were dreadful. Sorry Stan…
In memory of beloved town citizen Stan Green who lived here for 56 years, Stars Hollow is restoring the church bells he loved so dearly. They fell into disrepair about 20 years ago and have been quiet ever since. Stan bequeathed the funds to make the bells ring again in Stars Hollow. Every time they ring we’ll think of him.
Attention Stars Hollow,
As you know, every year, one lucky town in Connecticut gets to host “The Festival of Living Pictures,” a show which presents onstage recreations of famous works of art – statues, paintings, et cetera, with real people posing as the figures in the art. We hosted it seven years ago – successfully, I might add. The town of Woodbury was supposed to host it this year, but because of recent flooding, they canceled at the last minute, and I offered Stars Hollow to be the host. It’s in one week. How does that sound?
I’ve already assured Hank, who is the Taylor Doose of Woodbury, that we’d take it over successfully. It’s a challenge, people, but doable. A key player in our execution of this endeavor will be at our town meeting tonight to discuss plans. Please give the head of the Connecticut Arts Council, Buff Otis, our full attention.
That Hank is a real ninny. He’s praying we don’t pull this off, but that only inspires me to work harder. So, there will be no room for mistakes. No flinching.
Please note that our Ice Cream Queen event at Taylor’s Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe will not feature our Ice Cream Queen, Rory Gilmore.
Sure, she can find time in her busy day to come by and eat my free ice cream and take my free balloon and get herself a free glitter hand stamp. She can swing that. Rest assured, people, she is no longer our little Stars Hollow Rory Gilmore. She belongs to the Ivy Leagues now. It’s time for her to cut those small town ties and go off and do something important like go to drama school or have one of those high-class naked parties with that Bush girl.
She just couldn’t find time in her busy queen schedule to come play with all of you here today. But take heart, we’ll have balloons and music, and as a special treat, a skydiver is going to drop from the sky and land right in front of Taylor’s Olde Fashioned Soda Shoppe. Isn’t that great? A skydiver who isn’t too busy to come play with you!
At least her photo has time to attend.
EMERGENCY: The grand opening has been POSTPONED! Please, someone, tell the marching band to stay far away from the town square! I can’t find them anywhere.
Rest in Peace, Fran Weston. You will be missed dearly.
AGAIN, THE GRAND OPENING HAS BEEN POSTPONED.
The big day has arrived people! The opening of Taylor’s Old Fashioned Soda Shoppe and Candy Store! Tomorrow from noon to six, there will be fun, balloons, ice cream, and old-fashioned penny candy for just one dollar a piece. Come at noon, stay all day! I, ladies and gentlemen am the candy man. Your candy man! I’m mixing it with love and making Stars Hollow taste good.
See you all tomorrow!
Tonight’s Stars Hollow hockey game is one of the most important in our town’s history. This is the first time we’ve been in the regional semifinals for 43 years. As you know, the Dooses have been the backbone of Stars Hollow High hockey for years. I, myself, was the goalkeeper for our team in the last regional finals. I’m sure you all remember my game-winning move.
Don’t forget to wear your “Stars Hollow Hockey, 2003 semifinalists. Go Minutemen. The future is yours. Bring this button to Doose’s for fifty percent off your next purchase of Stove Top Stuffing” buttons!
As we approach the annual Stars Hollow 24 Hour Dance Marathon Fundraiser, I want to remind the town why we put on this spectacular event as some of you seem to be confused.
The money raised will not be going to the bridge. The Tennessee Williams lookalike contest last month put us right over the top. We’re raising money for a tarp to cover the bridge. If we start renovations now, heading right into the snow and rainy part of the season, then everything we do is gonna get ruined, and there we are – back at square one. If we are gonna do this right, then we are going to need a tarp.
And, please everyone, refrain from spreading those false rumors about me drinking punch telling magician stories at hour fifteen. I assure you I take my judging duties very seriously.
A final note on safety at tomorrow’s event: If you feel yourself getting lightheaded or having shooting pains or any other stroke-like symptoms, please move off to the side so that your collapse will not get in the way of the other dancers.
We’ll see you all bright and early!
That weird, taciturn fellow who’s always walking around with his backpack has put in an absurd request to stage a protest in the town square. Now, he hasn’t indicated exactly what he wants to protest, but it doesn’t matter, because protesting is not allowed in the town square, period. It’s un-American.
And don’t bring up the Revolutionary War or Rosa Parks. That’s different. They were against the British and buses. No one likes the British or buses. I’ll bring this up at the town meeting, but want to make clear that I am refusing the town loner’s request to protest. Plain and simple.
If the town loner tries to move this protest to the church — who claims to be exempt from town statutes — I promise to do everything in my power to ban it. There must be something on the books. I’m sure there’s a way.
For those against me, feel free to hang out in Haight-Ashbury and drink as much Electric Kool-Aid as you want, but I’m preparing for the worst.
We are proud to announce the first annual Stars Hollow End of Summer Madness Festival! Say goodbye to those Lazy-Hazy-Crazy days of summer with one of the most exciting functions Stars Hollow has ever put on. This is going to be a big day. (We didn’t put the word madness in the title for nothing.) This place is gonna be crazy, wild: food, games, we’ve even got a band coming all the way from New York!
And just wait ’til you see the banner. It’s gonna make every other banner we’ve ever had look downright embarrassing.
We’ll see you there! Sadly, I’ll still be ridden to this electric wheelchair due to my banana peel incident. But, rest assured, I have a strong list of suspects to bring justice to that matter.
See you there!
Movie in the Square night is coming up, folks, and we have a guest curator for our film this year: Lorelai Gilmore. Due to her incessant complaining every single year, I’ve tasked Lorelai with choosing a film from our usual vendor. It’s time for her to understand that a lot of hard work and careful planning go into these nights. She’s never helped plan, volunteer, ripped tickets or even participated with a smile and a hug.
She’ll be choosing from the wide film selection provided to us by our usual vendor and promises not to choose The Yearling (a fine, wholesome motion picture the whole family could enjoy with a moving story and lovely scenes of nature.)
I very much look forward to her selection.
I want to warn you all that I will be discussing a business matter that concerns myself at tonight’s town meeting. As you know, I heartily support entrepreneurship in Stars Hollow. But we cannot tolerate long-haired freaks and hirsute hippies who open slipshod produce stands in the park willy-nilly. There’s no way this man has the proper permit to run such a business. I’ll bet it’s an invalid Type 24-B Cart, Kiosk, Cart/Kiosk Permit. Completely illegitimate
And for this Van Halen-haired weirdo to not only have invalid permits but to threaten the businesspeople of Stars Hollow is just something I cannot stand for. How would you people feel if this guy decided to open the long-haired freak school of dance or the long-haired freak diner? Or the long-haired freak bookstore? It’s not good, right?
To be continued tonight. I expect everyone to support me in this matter.
After a particularly ridiculous conversation with Mr. Danes this afternoon, I just want to remind the town what it means to be a responsible building owner in Stars Hollow.
As multi-property owner, I can say there is a level of quality control that is sorely lacking in this town. For example, at all my properties, we measure the grass before, during, and after mowing to attain a perfect inch and a half height, which is both pleasing to the eye and good for the grass. It’s a fact that people are lazy. They don’t want to think about the proper fabric for an awning or the correct historical color for a building. They just slap any old thing up on a wall and sleep like babies. But soon, hopefully, the city council will put an end to that. And don’t call me a fascist for saying it. But to be fair, fascists had spotless parks and there’s certainly something to say for that.
Bottom Line: We cannot continue to tolerate irresponsible proprietorship. Especially from the likes of those who won’t even remove a misleading sign from their storefront. Seriously, how are tourists supposed to know whether Luke Danes is selling hammers or burgers? Just ridiculous.
People of Stars Hollow, we’re excited for you to join us at the Stars Hollow Bid On a Basket Fundraiser to support the Stars Hollow Retirement Home.
Ladies, please be sure to put a lot of effort into your basket. This is for charity! And gentlemen, please abide by the traditional rules of auctioneering. We will not tolerate fights or deliberate price gouging. Unless you’re doing it in the spirit of charity.
And remember, when you’re done with your basket, you can put a couple of extra rolls of toilet paper in there and stick it someplace in the bathroom – decorative and convenient!
In this day and age when the kids are willy nilly with their clothes and hair and morals, it is heartwarming to see a sensible girl like Rory Gilmore still exists. A girl who has the gumption and the guts to stand up and say, “Why are we allowing this trash out where all our children can see it?”
As a result of Rory’s excellent judgement, we have a new feature here at Stars Hollow Video: The Rory Curtain. A higher shelf will no longer serve as the lazy barrier between our children and inappropriate content like Showgirls. Now, all the movies that we deem objectionable will be safely hidden from the eyes of the children. Plus, it’ll make the adults think twice before they go back there.
Ok people, we can no longer excuse the rise in crime in our town. Since the arrival of Luke’s nephew, this town has has been falling apart. Stolen donations, elaborate pranks, phony murders, kidnapped garden gnomes! I speak for the S.H.B.A., the S.H.T.B., the S.H.N.W.O. and the S.H.C.C.S.H.C. (Stars Hollow Business Association, the Stars Hollow Tourist Board, the Stars Hollow Neighborhood Watch Organization, and the Stars Hollow Citizens for a Clean Stars Hollow Council) and can assure the town that no one is pleased.
I know Luke doesn’t read these posts out of disrespect for the town, so will the business community please join me for a special gathering at Miss Patty’s before the official town meeting tonight? It’s time for action, people.
The official unveiling of Stars Hollow’s first traffic light and metered crosswalk is this afternoon. The proceedings will be as follows:
We’ll walk through the basics of how to operate the metered crosswalk. From the big yellow button to the instructional panel right above it. The only way to learn how the system works is to read the panel.
We will then demonstrate the length of the walk signal which has been thoughtfully timed to accommodate the pace of Stars Hollow’s oldest living resident, Mrs. Lanahan. Mrs. Lanahan will push the button and lead the first historic group across the street. Kirk will be present to record history with photographs.
And for those who seem to oppose progress: Public safety is in the town’s best interest. Just because near accidents don’t happen, doesn’t mean we shouldn’t ward against them.
At tonight’s town meeting we designated ‘Mystique Guy’ as our official town troubadour. And forced the other guy to cease his troubadour activities so that peace can be restored.
I just want to reiterate a few things although I have conceded to you people. There are no town troubadour laws. If this man turns out to be a vagrant, we will all be responsible for his effect on the town. This is very obviously a money making scheme, and you are all falling for it.
And he certainly will not be allowed in our Town Directory. We know nothing about the man!
Certain teenagers in our town are exhibiting notable characteristics of the average shoplifter. If there’s a rise in crime in Stars Hollow, we must discuss it.
Please keep an eye out for loners with nervous tendencies. Meanderers in baggy coats. And, dare I say, Rory Gilmore.
Folks, there’s a few things we can do to prepare for this year’s Founders Day festival so it goes off without a hitch. We cannot tolerate repeated mistakes.
First, the history of our town’s founding will no longer be debated. If the recording secretary for the Stars Hollow City Council says that our founders built the fire to stay warm their first night in town, then the founders built the fire to stay warm their first night in town. Stories of Shakespearean tragedy from the likes of Miss Patty are simply unfounded.
Second, and this one goes directly to Lenny, please bring the matches so that we can light the fire. They get lost every damn year.
Jackson says he’s somewhere between George Clooney and Brad Pitt. Andrew’s going with Billy Crudup. Nonetheless, this fellow has surely stirred up plenty of conversation in town. He is also our motorcycle culprit. Keep your eyes on him, people.
Stars Hollow welcomes all kind of visitors. Tourism is important!
But there’s something we just cannot condone in our town: Motorcycles. They’re a scourge. Loud. Dangerous. They should be banned.
Expect to discuss this at this our upcoming town meeting. A rise in motorists of this nature is just unacceptable.
Town Beautification is important. Local businesses should keep their establishments updated. A little sprucing is all it takes, people!
Take Lukes Diner, for example. This committee has been hounding Mr. Danes for years to freshen up the place. Maybe a couple of nice zinnia pots out front, some yellow awnings, a peppy little cardboard pig announcing the specials. But he’s a mule. He won’t talk, he won’t reason, he won’t spruce.
It’s simple. Faded paint is a bad reflection on the whole town. When standard slips, families flee and in comes the seedy crowd. Don’t say you haven’t been warned.
If anyone has tips on the whereabouts of baby Jesus’s arm please contact Taylor immediately. This has been the baby Jesus in every Christmas pageant since 1965. Have some respect, people!
Every year we celebrate the 12 heroic men who stood in the cold, guns drawn, ready to meet their maker. Men who fought for freedom.
Any citizen of this town who does not respect that historic night and how we honor it is a menace, plain and simple.
Businesses of Stars Hollow,
Please be advised that your participation in the Stars Hollow’s Autumn Festival is depended upon. All I and the townspeople ask is that you be a part of our community this week by putting up a few streamers or a paper turkey. Now, I’m not asking you to paint the town orange. Autumn has many varied hues to toy with!
Your town is calling upon you to embody the spirit of fall during this year’s Autumn Festival. Especially if your business sits across from the Horn of Plenty!
For examples on how to love your town this season, please refer to the Mayflower canned goods section at Doose’s Market.